There are way too many rant pages on the Internet!
But of course, I wouldn't be able to rant about that unless I had my own. Consider it a sinkhole for my anger.
And since I can't be bitter all the time, I'll pepper these pages with a few odd things I notice in life, too.
Biased Observations and Obligatory Rants
A Presentation of The Big Waste of Space Wanna see more?
November 2000 Previous Rants:  
November 30
I just wanted to share a constructive bit of criticism with my loyal readers that I received about these pages...
Boy do you put yourself on a throne. I mean, come ON! "They're STILL writing checks?!" ?? Who in their right mind gets upset over this crap! "Oh my God! I can't read your bathroom magazines! You might have put your ink-stained-from-your-checkbook hands on them!" Please. When I went to that Photo page, it was cool. But this page is just... Not even worthy of the name "Waste," it's not worth the time you had to take to make it! Much less the time it takes those few of us to read it. I personally want to build a page someday that has my own thoughts about random things, but I'll be sure not to be as friggin nitpicky as the author of this one. Oh, but best of luck with the other pages.
Thanks, Micki. You've given me a lot to think about, like, "Who in their right mind gets upset over someone else's Web site?"

But if you agree with Micki, perhaps you would prefer her short stories about Sliders and how her boyfriend broke up with her.

Incidentally, while on my throne, I won't be reading those either.

November 27
I've begun to notice that most people have some sort of reading collection in their bathrooms. Whether it be an unkempt stack of Homes and Gardens or a quaint and tidy basket or Dilbert anthologies, almost everyone has something to read set near the john. It's not a surprise to me — I mean, I know people have time on their hands in there. But, I just have never been able to pick any of these things up.

After all, I don't know the lavatory habits of even my closest friends. (Well, most of them.) All I know is there's touching of things in there that I don't want to have anything to do with. I'm not saying the magazines are coming in direct contact with anything offensive, but hands are here, hands are there, hands are on the reading material...and I just don't want to think about it. That Gary Larson compendium I'm looking at may have just been a little too close to the Far Side.

November 21
So, yesterday was one of those magical days where I ran out of everything. You know those days. Usually, you'll just run out of toothpaste or deodorant or shampoo. But, occasionally, the rotation of each and every one of your toiletries will coincide like the cycles of a female swim team and it all hits at once. Then it's time to pay a visit to Wal-Mart and stock up again.

And that's what I did. And when I go shopping, I do it in a hurry. I grab exactly what I need and get out of there. I can't stand wandering the aisles and dodging screaming kids for an hour and a half when I know what it is I need. But, then I have to get in line. Now, is my own personal timeline beginning to move faster than everyone else's or are lines at the store getting slower and slower?

And what really kills me are people writing checks. People still do this? Sure, I write checks to pay some of my bills, but when I go to the store, I use my check card! Do people not realize this technology exists? I haven't opened a bank account yet where they didn't offer one for free. And it doesn't cost anything to use it. It works just like a debit card except it has a Visa logo on it and it'll clear just like a credit card. And the money comes straight out of your account — get this — just like a check!

So, please someone tell me, why does anyone still find it necessary to hold up the line for an extra 5 minutes trying to remember what today is?

November 17
I just discovered that is going the way of the overfed goldfish. There will be no more of those strange sock-puppet-dog commercials. Contrary to what you think my response might be, I am truly disappointed. I actually enjoyed those commercials.

But, if Dominos would just die so I don't have to see any more of those deranged Bad Andy ads, I'd be a happy man. I mean, what the hell is that thing?? A monkey? A burned pepperoni? Did I miss the one where they told us where the hell it came from? Ugh, I can't tell you how much I hate advertising...

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(FYI, this site used to have banners. The joke made sense at the time, trust me. And by the way, if there is a banner up there, then I've added them again, so you can ignore this bit.)

November 14
I'm just not getting this popularization of golf. Golf used to be for the snotty white guy who could afford the snotty country-club dues. But, in the last several years, golf has become a mainstream pastime. It has even become a sport to follow.

Some credit Tiger Woods for the growth in golf's popularity. But, I disagree. One young guy who's really good at it encouraged Joe Six-pack to spend his weekend at the course? If a 19-year-old American kid with a great smile turns into a real lacrosse champ, I doubt America would go out and spend $800 on a stick with a pouch on the end.

I know I'll get a lot of flack for this (especially from my golf-loving buddy), but I find golf boring. I find it boring like the rest of the world did ten years ago.

And then there's something I really don't get. Video golf. Golf on the computer. Is there anything less active? Maybe video fly fishing. It's like dreaming of a good night's sleep while taking a nap.

November 12
Nothing could be less informative than a Back in 30 Minutes sign. I, like most people, have encountered signs like this dozens of times. And, usually, it's when I'm in a hurry.

Now, I could come back in half an hour, but then again, the person may be back any minute. Hell, he could have put the sign up 28 minutes ago! Informing me that you'll be back in 30 minutes from the time you left tells me absolutely nothing when I have no idea when it is you left!

Here's an idea — write down the time that you'll be back like you do with your open/closed sign. You know, the one that says Open 9:00 to 5:00 and not Open in 20 Minutes and Closed 8 Hours Later.

November 8
When CD-ROM drives first came out, people typically pronounced the speed correctly. 2x was "dual speed," 4x was "quad speed," etc. But now, I rarely hear anyone say it correctly. I even hear it in commercials from people who are supposed to know this stuff. "A 36-times CD-ROM." 36 times? What the hell does that mean?

And it's pretty rare, but I've heard it said that way with binoculars and the like, too. The "x" in such a case is read as "power."

What really baffles me, though, is when someone says something like, "Take 52 and times it by 12." And how many times should I times it?

So, what's with this magical word "times"? Will it become such a versatile word that it will someday replace all verbs? Will it become an all-purpose word like "aloha" or "smurf"? I guess maybe I'll just have to brain on that a while.

November 4
Maybe I'm the only one who does this, in which case it'll just be one more thing I confess to the world that it really could go on without hearing, but occasionally, and inexplicably, I will unintentionally slam an unsuspecting toilet seat violently down on the bowl. I have no earthly idea how this happens.

I shuffle into the bathroom, politely and gently shut the door and grab the seat, intending to set it down calmly. But, instead, my fingers malfunction and in some instantaneous attempt to recover the seat before it falls, my digits vehemently hurl the toilet saddle downward until it slams with an echoing, porcelain report.

Someday, I hope to solicit a grant or two and mount an investigation into this startling phenomenon. But, again, it may just be me.

November 3
I have an idea for a show: several very attractive, young people — about high-school or college age — who speak like Harvard English professors, but are quirky and have difficulty interacting with one another. In fact they have trouble with relationships in general. And one of them has a disease...or a problem with drugs or alcohol. And did I mention not one of them is ugly?

Oh, and there could be popular music playing under each scene and soundtracks could sell for every episode. Think the WB would be interested?

If not, I could give one of them extraordinary powers and pitch it to Fox.

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